It might be difficult and daunting to begin counseling. What's going to happen? How can you tell if the therapist is the right fit for you? How can you tell if therapy is effective? What precisely can you do? All of these questions and concerns are valid ones.
Most of us are unsure of what we can do to make therapy effective when we first begin. We are aware that we need to put in effort in therapy for it to be beneficial, but we often are unaware of what that entails.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you have just begun therapy - or even if you’ve been in therapy for a while - to help you get more out of your therapy sessions:
1. Think About Your Goals For Therapy
It can be helpful to discuss your goals for therapy. Whether they are to deal with depression or anxiety symptoms or changing behaviours, think about your future aspirations, or address other issues. Setting a few realistic, small goals can be helpful. Discuss these with your therapist so you’re working towards shared goals. These may change and evolve over time, but it’s a good starting point.
2. Find the Right Therapist
Your relationship with your therapist is built on communication. Ask questions - about the therapist's approach, the expectations of therapy, a clarification of what they said, or anything else. Even though there is an adjustment stage, you are ultimately looking for a “good fit” with a therapist who understands you. If you still feel like you’re not with the right therapist after multiple check-ins and open conversations, and giving the relationship time, then explore getting in touch with a different therapist.
3. Bring All of You Into the Session
Try to be as open and honest about your thoughts and feelings as you can - be willing to look at all the parts of you with curiosity and empathy with your therapist. Therapist Ritu Reiner emphasizes letting go of the fear of being judged:
Enter the therapy relationship with an understanding that the therapist is not going to judge you. Regardless of the style they practice, they will not be judging you. This is a space in which you can be your raw self.
It can be scary and intimidating to be vulnerable, and of course, not everything might come flooding out at the start of therapy. Trust takes time to develop, even when the client and therapist are a great match. Having said that, express all of your emotions in your sessions when you feel at ease.
4. Say Anything…
You never have to hide your emotions in therapy- it’s a whole space dedicated for your feelings and thoughts. If something makes you feel a certain way, let it out. And this includes all the unpleasant, weird thoughts you’d probably never feel comfortable sharing. Therapy is where uncomfortable thoughts are acceptable, even encouraged to explore. Think about things you don’t want to talk about and then talk about it. If you feel awkward sharing something, you may want to start by just telling your therapist that it feels too awkward right now! That’s fine. Reflect on what you're learning about yourself. Spend time exploring who you are and what you feel.
5. …But Focus On You
Keep your focus on yourself as much as you can. It's easy to spend the entirety of a therapy session talking about other people or situations without going into how it makes you feel. It’s good to let off some steam like this, and to have an impartial person listening. But if you don't use your therapy sessions to talk about you, it will be difficult to make progress on yourself.
6. Keep the Progress Going Outside Sessions
Emotional work doesn’t need to stop when your therapy session ends. Between sessions, try to practice what you have learned in therapy, or hold space for the things you talked about in your previous session. One easy way to do this is make your own therapy notes, or a journal in which you can jot down your thoughts in the week and bring them to your next session, or you can write down key points of what you’ve discussed. It takes what you’ve learned in a session outside the walls of therapy, so you can reflect and practice it, and take back your experience to the next session. It is also easy to track your progress over time. Your therapist might give you “homework,” or certain tasks to do between the week, try to be consistent with them. They allow for a sense of continuity in between sessions. If you find it difficult to do the homework, it can be an area that can be explored with your therapist.
7. Talk About Therapy in Therapy
Therapy is a collaborative effort with both you and the therapist participating, so don’t be afraid to say what’s working for you in therapy and what isn’t. Therapy is guided by your personal needs and goals, so giving your therapist feedback will be beneficial for the therapeutic process. Therapists cannot read your mind and can get things wrong sometimes. So the best way for a therapist to get to know you and help you - is through you. Don’t hesitate to disagree with something they say, or communicate how something they said made you feel, express how you feel about a session or in session, or if you think therapy is not giving you what you need.
8. Deal with the Business Side Beforehand
To avoid interfering with the emotional work that will take place during the session, it helps to get conversations about scheduling and payment out of the way beforehand. Make sure the session costs and your payment method have been confirmed before attending your first appointment. Communication regarding this can remain ongoing - maybe the rates or methods of payment need to be revisited, and it can be awkward to talk about, however, being able to openly discuss these aspects with your therapist is important.
Therapy may be challenging. Being vulnerable in front of another, and also being vulnerable with yourself can be tedious, and sometimes, good therapy does feel like hard work. When you feel some discomfort; when you’re stepping out of your comfort zone, knowing your therapist is there to support you, is when the most important work happens.
But therapy is also empowering and rewarding. It gives you a space where you are truly understood and accepted, and helps you build fresh insights about your life, and improve your relationship with yourself. Even though therapy gives us a safe space for deep healing, we don’t have to be on a quest to constantly improve ourselves. Learning to just exist can also be a learning in therapy! You learn to make healthier choices, develop coping skills, and become an active agent in your life.
Psychologist Vicky Tan explains a helpful analogy for therapy: Imagine you’re driving down a deserted road and your car breaks down. A lot of people imagine therapy is like calling a mechanic that will come and fix your car right up for you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that - no one else can fix this car except you. Instead, therapy is like taking out your toolbox and calling a mechanic on the phone. You explain the problem to them as best as you can, and you have to follow their advice as well as you can (if you want to follow it, it’s your car after all). Sometimes the advice may not work, or you may not understand it, you may have to explain the problem again and try new things, or maybe the car works and you think you’ve solved the problem, but it breaks down again.
At the end of all that effort, not only will your car be running smoothly, you’ll also know how to fix it yourself. Your car might need some fixing sometime down the road, but next time, it’ll be easier to handle.
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